“W-What?” the dark captain asked as she felt her heart racing.
“Fatimah, can you hear her too?” the little girl asked as she moved closer and smiled down at the baby. “Sometimes when I
think really hard about it, I can almost hear her, well, maybe not hear words, but more like… feelings, do you know what I
mean?”
At her explanation, Zara released the breath she was holding. The Moroccan was thankful that her secret conversations with
Xena were still unknown. If such news were learned, she would have to clarify how the link was much more than either of
them could explain. The captain would have to confess that at times, she saw images, memories of a life she had never lived
and she would have to admit that there was a part of her that feared the loss of her own soul.
“Captain?” Nadrah continued to gaze at her, then smiled as she reached out and let the baby wrap its hand around her
finger. “She’s strong captain, maybe she’s going to grow up to be a ship’s captain, just like her mamma?”
“Perhaps so, Nadrah.” The tall woman nodded and smiled as she looked down at the babe in her arms.
As she gazed at Fatima’s dark blue eyes, the Moroccan woman marveled at how perfect this little human was. Her thick,
dark hair was so much like Inaam’s that at times it broke Zara’s heart to look at the infant. When she looked at the baby’s
features, she had a hard time seeing her deceased consort, yet when she gazed into the baby’s eyes, she could not deny that
one day this child would be as beautiful as her mother was. “Inaam, you did not deserve to die,” she thought as she felt the
baby’s little legs kicking. With a smile, she took a tiny foot in her hand and felt the strength of the infant’s legs.
“So strong,” she whispered as she ran her finger along Fatimah’s soft flesh. At her touch, the baby seemed to smile, then
blew bubbles from her mouth as her face screwed up into a frown. “She’s smiling?” Zara looked up at Nadrah, amazed that
one so little could master such a feat.
“Ahuh, either that or…” but the cabin girl did not finish her sentence before a foul stench filled the air. “Ewwww, Fatimah, and
I just changed you too!” Nadrah sighed theatrically as she shook her head. “Here Captain, I’ll change her and bring her
back,” the child held out her arms. With a nod, Zara passed the infant to the girl, grateful that the baby was going to be
changed before the smell permeated the small cabin.
“She’s a good helper, isn’t she?” Gabrielle asked as she moved to sit beside the captain.
“Yes,” she agreed as she returned her attention to the scene outside of the cabin window. Idly, she watched as the land
passed by, the sight of the farmers or small villages hardly registered in her mind. Instead, all she thought about was the past
events, and what still needed to be done. Perhaps if she helped to bring Xena back, then everything would be made right,
there would not be anymore lives lost.
“Zara?” the Amazon’s voice drew her from her thoughts. Blinking in surprise, the captain turned her attention away from the
window toward Gabrielle. At the blonde’s look of concern, she realized that her lover must have been speaking to her, and
she had not heard her words. With a slight nod, the Moroccan sighed in hopes of relieving some of the stress that was held
within.
“I-I am sorry, what were you saying, Gabrielle?” Zara leaned toward the storyteller, all of her attention on her lover.
“I was just saying how Nadrah will miss Fatimah while we’re away. Have you thought of allowing Nadrah to remain with
Rashi?” she asked softly.
Zara had considered the same thing, yet something within her turned down the notion. She could not have stated why, she
only knew that for this trip to the temple, Nadrah would accompany them. As she released a sigh, she leaned back and
closed her eyes. Her thoughts were a chaotic jumble of images and ideas. When she felt the soft hand in hers, she opened
her eyes to the smiling woman.
“Nadrah will join us. I’m sure she can survive the days without Fatimah,” she assured.
“All right.” Gabrielle offered no arguments as her hand squeezed Zara’s, “Sweetheart, we’re going to have to be up early
tomorrow to change ships. Why don’t you go lay down for a rest,” the storyteller softly suggested.
Zara nodded blankly as she allowed the Greek healer to lead her to an adjoining room. Once behind closed doors, she paid
little attention to Gabrielle. Instead, she remained silently passive as her lover unclothed her and settled her into the bed.
Filled with an endless fatigue, the Moroccan felt her eyes slowly closing. Not even the sight of the shapely Amazon
undressing captivated her attention.
The sun filtered through the thin curtains of their cabin. As the ship swayed in the gentle waves of the Mediterranean sea, the
blonde lay silently staring at the ceiling. She felt the weight of Zara’s head pillowed on her shoulder and felt the Moroccan’s
steady, even breaths. Although a part of Gabrielle was grateful that her lover was no longer frozen in grief, she could not help
but be worried about her. She had never seen the strong Moroccan in such depths of depression and feared for her friend’s
health.
The healer found her thoughts constantly returning to everything that had happened. If Xena had been around, she would
have aired her concerns to her soulmate. But ever since the death of Inaam, her ghost lover had disappeared and Gabrielle
wondered if even Xena was paralyzed with grief, just as Zara seemed to be. And why wouldn’t she be? Why wouldn’t they
be paralyzed? Ever since the warrior ghost first helped the Moroccan to heal, there was some sort of link established that
allowed Xena to feel the captain’s emotions, both good and bad. So why wouldn’t Xena be suffering from the same sadness
that the dark haired woman was now in? So many people had died, so much pain and guilt, who would not find themselves
paralyzed? The blonde thought as her hand absently stroked her lover’s back. Her fingers left a slight trail along the scar lines
that ran in a zigzag pattern over the dusky woman’s flesh.
After so many nights of touching the taller woman’s body, she felt she knew every nuance of the captain’s skin. Every scar,
every burn mark was permanently etched in Gabrielle’s mind just like every curve and softness was in her memory. As if her
touch alone could rid her tall lover of the painful memories, the blonde lovingly touched and stroked along the scars. When
they made love, Gabrielle laid tender kisses over her lover’s back in hopes that her lips alone could heal Zara of the painful
memories of how she acquired such hideous marks. But deep down inside the healer knew that there was nothing she could
do to rid her lover of this pain. There was nothing she could do to relieve the grief from the Moroccan.
“Yet, was the grief Zara was experiencing unhealthy for her? After all, she had been kidnapped, tortured and lost her
soulmate as a child, and now, just when it seemed like she was finding her own, the captain’s mother and lover were viciously
murdered. Is it any wonder after so much death that the strong woman would suddenly crumble?” Gabrielle’s mind queried.
Yet through it all, the only thing that kept the woman going was the promise she made, the promise to help bring Xena back
to life.
With an intake of air, the small blonde looked at the night table by the bed. Gabrielle felt a slight gasp escape her control as
she gazed upon the urn that had been her constant companion since Higuchi. Within it were the ashes of her best friend, lover
and soulmate. Her original intention was to fulfill Xena’s last wish and bury her in the family crypt in Amphipolis. But once
the Greek woman received the promise from Zara, hope returned to her. Just the thought of being able to bring Xena back
kept her going. But when she thought about it, she found herself filled with conflicting emotions.
“How can I ask for such a thing?” Gabrielle whispered out loud.
In her sleep, Zara heard her question and slightly stirred, a soft mumble escaping her parted lips. Looking down at her lover,
the Amazon gently brushed her fingers through the captain’s dark, thick locks. The arm that was wrapped around the
Moroccan hugged the taller woman close. “Shush, sweetheart, it’s nothing,” she cooed softly and waited as the dusky
woman returned to her deep slumber.
Despite Gabrielle’s words, she knew that her thoughts held meaning. If after all of this time she was beginning to have doubts,
then what was there left to do? Ever since Higuchi she could not help but feel that something was wrong. Even after her
discussion with Arjun, she began to realize how foolish Xena had been… how foolish they both had been. Fate, regardless of
how it played out, was meant to be. As sad as it was to lose so many lives, perhaps the people of Higuchi were meant to
perish? Isn’t that what Arjun said, that if the villagers had at one time turned away an innocent, then Xena burning down the
city was not an accident but fate, and the fact that she still lived showed that she was meant to live. If Gabrielle had realized
this before, she would have poured Xena’s ashes into the well and dealt with the warrior’s anger later. But she hadn’t thought
of this until Arjun brought it up, and now all she could do was hold on to the hope that the Priestess of Isis could bring her
lover’s ashes to life.
“But was this the right thing to do?” The thought kept raging in her mind. “What right do I have to long for Xena when so
many people have died? How is my need greater than that of the women who lost their husbands? Or the children, their
fathers? Through all of this not once has Zara thought to ask for the favor for herself. She could have asked the Priestess,
her former lover, to return her mother, or Inaam, and yet she had never mentioned it. So selfless was she that the Moroccan
has never indicated that such a possibility could happen. Yet, I’m going to ask for something so selfish as to have my
soulmate back,” Gabrielle’s mind churned over and over. The ideas, although not new, began to resonate louder in her mind.
Although Gabrielle found it hard to sort out her thoughts, one single thing remained clear. Asking for such a selfish thing was
wrong. In the midst of all the deaths, all of the lost lives, bringing Xena back paled in comparison, and this idea alone caused
the healer’s heart to ache. She loved Xena more than anything in world, but despite her love, she could not shake the feeling
that asking for such a gift would not balance the karma, and this tore her to pieces.
“Xena, where are you when I need you?” she whispered ever so softly into the darkness of the cabin. When all that was
heard was the gentle splashing of the waves, she released a deep sigh and closed her eyes. “Xena, I need you now more than
ever. Please, if you have come to the same conclusion, please don’t leave without saying goodbye. Please Xena, not yet,”
she quietly whispered as the darkness of the night filled the small cabin.
~~~~~~
The docks of Tangier were filled with the hustle of travelers and cargo. Afraid of letting go, Zara held Fatimah protectively in
her arms while Gabrielle supervised the removal of their traveling gear. When the baby smiled at her, the captain lightly
brushed her fingertip over the girl’s chubby cheeks. Beside the tall captain, Nadrah stood holding the basket with her cat.
Occasionally the lid bounced as Prasha was trying to make his escape. But knowing that her cat would try this, Nadrah
fastened the lid of the basket securely.
