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| ?Oh that will be rich, baby,? said Barbara hotly. ?So it will be me signing the paperwork the day you sero-convert for your free trip to Los Cocos, and it will be me sitting in the visiting room with a chaperone tied to my crotch to make sure we don?t turn it into a conjugal visit.? ?Is that what you are worried about? That I will get sick? That I will get you sick?? asked Chela painfully, as she went to rummage in her purse. She extracted a tattered booklet, and offered it to Barbara for her perusal. ?I am really careful Barbara ? as much as I can be. And I was tested for the last time this November, and I have always used a condom when I?ve needed to since then. Every time I?ve gone to the women?s clinic they have checked my blood, and then twice when the health workers did a sweep of all the young women working in tourist areas. Besides, I didn?t think it was an issue between two women.? ?I personally don?t think it is. I think women only get HIV from two sources ? both of them long and thin, needles and dicks. But there are people who disagree with me on that. What the hell is this?? ?It?s my clinic records and my health certificate,? whispered Chela. ?I keep it with me because sometimes the police will want to see it, and some of the clients do as well.? ?Well I?m not a fucking client, Chela,? responded Barbara bitterly, although her curiosity got the better of her and she quickly flipped through the pages. ?Fuck, baby?how the hell are you staying safe? That?s four fucking pregnancy terminations in the last two years.? ?The man that got me pregnant the past two times ? I knew for certain he was clean. I was the only woman he?d been with in many years. Before that, I guess the condoms I?ve been able to get here the past few years haven?t been very good. You are not one of those Americans who try to stop abortions are you?? ?No,? replied a flustered Barbara. ?I think it should be a choice but it is a medical procedure, Chela, and your body?s just not meant to be messed with like that unnecessarily and so many times.? ?I know,? affirmed a resigned Chela. ?They wanted to go ahead and cut my tubes the last time, but I felt wrong about closing off my womb like that ? forever - before I?d had a chance to really see more of life.? ?You know, mami,? said Barbara, gingerly reaching out to return the papers, and capturing Chela?s hand as she took them. ?I want you to see more of life too ? I want you to see it with me, in a place where a clinic would never think of pushing sterilization on a twenty year-old with no children. A place where you can make a difference, mami ? because you?re right that my country has its share of repugnant injustices - starting with the fact that I can?t marry you to get you a visa ? and it would be good to have you by my side fighting them.? Chela sighed and stared at the floor for a long moment before looking up to meet Barbara?s eyes. ?I will think about it, compañera, but only if you also continue to think about staying. Perhaps things will become clearer to both of us during these two weeks.? ?Chelita,? asked Barbara in a tight voice. ?I know that you don?t have much to do on the project until I get back?You won?t be going out to work at night, will you?? Chela thought about the question, and realized that there was no adequate response. To answer ?yes? would be to taint their last hours together, and to push Barbara back into outright anger. To answer ?no? would be to establish a dangerous precedent in letting the American woman?s sometimes naïve sensibilities control her behavior. She brought Barbara?s hand up to her lips, and kissed it tenderly, hoping that in showing her unflagging affection for the other woman, her words might be softened. ?I love you, Barbara, and I always will. You can be certain of that. But our lives are very complicated right now, cariño, and I?m afraid if you are going to stay with me as my compañera ? whether it is here or there, and whether it is for the rest of our lives or only for a short time ? you will not be able to be certain of much. I can?t afford to treat you like some American Don Quixote, down here to tilt at windmills and rescue your damsel in distress. But I will always be honest with you, Barbara. I will never lie.? Barbara?s chest hurt, and she felt her eyes watering at the younger woman?s complex admission. She recalled Cynthia?s words: ?I was the one who was weak?because he could have done it?they all can.? She reached inside herself to extract the modest amount of courage residing in her soul, and was surprised and grateful to find there was enough there to keep herself from reacting selfishly to her lover?s statements. She repeated Chela?s earlier gesture, drawing up the Cuban woman?s hand and pressing a kiss into the palm. ?Chela,? she whispered hoarsely. ?I will do my best to make sure we have as many choices as possible about what direction to take. And I will try harder to respect your decisions, your knowledge of this place. I don?t want this to be for a short time, my compañera, I can tell you that.? She shook off the urge to cry, abruptly standing and pulling Chela up with her. ?Let?s get my things back to your place, shall we? And then perhaps we can make an early night of it.? She poured the remaining rum down the sink and set about collecting her bags. The dawn and my unwilling exile away from your side are both coming upon me much too quickly, she thought sadly, as she reached to kiss Chela one last time before opening the door. ~~~~~~ Aché to those who found a way to not be counted among the defeated, to not be taken as trophies in the terrible night. Aché to those who jumped off the sides of the ships. Aché to those who tore their clothes to make ropes to hang themselves. Aché to those who ate the bitter raw cassava until their hearts stopped. The vulture errs when he laughs while picking at your bones, thinking he feasts on the dead. No, he gorges himself on those still in motion - still in relentless fury dancing ? and the day will come when his belly brings him down, his outlaw flight clipped by the weight of your souls. Come then to my defense |
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